


Loving a boy

by MinYun



Category: ATEEZ (Band), K-pop
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Disorder, Bottom Kim Hongjoong, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Fluff and Smut, Gay Panic, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Panic Attacks, Park Seonghwa-centric, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Top Park Seonghwa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:00:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23936464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MinYun/pseuds/MinYun
Summary: Seonghwa comes from a very religious family. he moves to the city where he meets Hongjoong and wonders how anyone could call this kind of love 'wrong'
Relationships: Choi San/Jung Wooyoung, Jung Wooyoung/Kang Yeosang, Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 16
Kudos: 332





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ***Trigger warnings. Strong homophobic language and internalised homophobia

Seonghwa has a pounding headache.

The buzz of the alcohol he drank coupled with the flashing strobe lights of the club and thumping bass mingled to create some of the worst pain he thinks he’s ever been in. But that could just be Seonghwa being dramatic. Against his better judgment, he ordered another glass of whatever was in his cup, at this point he couldn’t remember.

He wasn’t drunk, not yet, but he was well on his way. He couldn’t feel his tongue anymore and he had to consciously control his features so he didn’t look like he was about to commit murder, but he definitely wasn’t drunk. He was in that fuzzy place far from sober tipping over tipsy and his head was  _ screaming _ at him but he drank anyway.

“Hey” a nasal voice called and Seonghwa cringed

A girl walked over to position herself between his spread legs leaning fully into his space. She put her hands on his shoulder probably to keep her balance as she leaned forward to speak to him. Her hot breath ghosted over the skin on his neck and his mind went scrambling.

“I’m Meena” She shouts over the music

Seonghwa thought by now he’d have grown accustomed to this. He only moved to Seoul recently and he didn’t know much about anything besides the nightlife thanks to his roommates. 

The parties were bigger the lines were longer and the women were bolder. This happens a lot. This happens almost every time he goes out.

Seonghwa knows what he looks like. He gets complimented daily on his hair, skin, face, height- he wore flip flops once to the coffee shop and a guy complimented his toes, he never wore flip flops again- so he knew why girls were always throwing themselves at him. What he couldn’t understand is why they didn’t seem to realize he wasn’t interested.

He leaned back as far as he could against the bar putting his glass to his lips hoping, praying that she got the hint and backed off before he had to actually say something.

The stool wasn’t comfortable in this position and his ass might have slid right off if he wasn’t leaning on the counter.

The girl didn’t back off. She was pretty tall for a girl, she had blonde hair cut into a choppy bob her eyes were narrow and slanted, her nose a bit round and her lips full and pouty. Had Seonghwa even been interested in a night of fun or whatever he doesn’t think this would be who he decided on. She was cute but annoying.

“Alright funs over lady” a deep voice called over the music and Seonghwa breathe a sigh of relief when he sees Mingi over the girl’s head. MIngi finally ditched the girl he had been dancing with for most of the night and he found Wooyoung and Yeosang who were probably in a corner somewhere making out. Mingi usually kept Him company at these things but some nights Mingi just wants to get his dick sucked and Seonghwa wasn’t about to tell him he couldn’t.

Seonghwa had found these roommates online.

When he decided to move to the city he knew he’d need help getting around so he found the apartment and put out an ad for roommates. Mingi responded first then Wooyoung who asked if he could bring Yeosang.

The apartment was only three rooms but Yeosang and Wooyoung were a couple.

Seonghwa grew up pretty sheltered. He knew homosexual relationships existed but he had never been exposed to them. He himself had only ever been with one girl since high school and they only just broke up last year.

He expected to be at least a little perturbed by the couple but he wasn’t. Not even a little. Wooyoung and Yeosang were the sweetest people ever and they were very respectful of his space and comfort. Over time even snuggling them on the couch didn’t phase him, it wasn’t sexual and he liked hugs.

Mingi was straight. Probably… maybe.

Seonghwa had only ever seen him date girls but he didn’t turn down sexual advances from guys when it did occur.

Meena turned to look at Mingi, still gripping Seonghwa’s shoulders even stepping further into him till they were almost hugging. He felt the familiar staticy discomfort rising under his skin where her hands touched him. He wanted her off. He wanted her gone. He swallowed the bile that rushed to his throat and blinked against the stinging tears in his eyes.

It started a few years into college. This weird feeling he’d get sometimes if anyone touched him. It didn’t happen with everyone and it didn’t happen every time, but some days he hated the feeling of another person’s warmth on his skin. Its what caused him and his girlfriend to eventually break up among other things.

They’d try to be intimate and Seonghwa would completely shut down.

He didn’t know what caused it, he didn’t think he had any deep-seated trauma or anything. His parents were stricter than most. They were religious and didn’t condone much but it wasn’t like he hadn’t had sex before. He just woke up one day and couldn’t.

Wooyoung must have sensed his rising panic because he gently pried the girl’s fingers off of Seonghwa’s shoulder and replaced it with his own, instantly halting the buzzing although some of his tears did cling to his lashes. He took a deep breath as Mingi lead the girl away and downed the rest of his drink hissing against the sting.

He would never grow used to that feeling.

“You okay?” Yeosang asked.

They didn’t know the extent of the problem but they were both so big on boundaries that they had a whole discussion with both him and Mingi before the first time they even hugged them and he explained his touching issue to everyone digging into the skin of his fingers riddled with anxiety of how it would be received. He loved that they were so understanding about it and so gentle with him. He didn’t know he had longed for that understanding until they gave it to him. He didn’t know he needed friends like this till he got them

When he had explained it to his mother she rolled her eyes and said: “that’s the devil, you should pray more” then muttered something about the internet and kids these days. Seonghwa never tried to tell her anything after that and he would never dream of telling his father about it.

Seonghwa loved his parents but anything new or strange to them simply wasn’t allowed and a mental issue was right up there with Homosexuality.

“Yeah… yeah, I’m fine” Seonghwa whispers rubbing his chest to ease the tightness away.

“Alright, let’s get out of here” Mingi says pulling Seonghwa to stand and they all made their way out to the car.

Seonghwa went to the café down the street from his apartment the next morning. He felt a lot better than he did last night. By the time they had gotten home, he’d mostly gotten over his panic attack and was able to settle down quite easily for bed with Wooyoung at his back and Yeosang in front of him.

They were all asleep when he left. Saturday mornings are his alone time because the others sleep in late.

He ordered his usual Salmon and cream cheese bagel with his iced coffee and found a cozy corner to sit at.

It was nearing summer. The coolness of the spring air making way for warm breeze.

Seonghwa didn’t like the summer. He hated the heat but there want much that could be done for it. He dusted his fingers when he was done with his bagel and began sipping on his coffee while he checked his phone. His mother had messaged to see how he was settling, and his father had texted him a scripture about temptation. Seonghwa rolled his eyes and replied to both.

A commotion at the door made him look up. Four very loud boys were falling all over themselves laughing as they walked in. they all looked like they had just rolled out of bed and decided on coffee. The tallest one was definitely wearing pajama pants with his worn t-shirt. There was a shorter boy with an almost feline face and deep dimples hanging all over a bearly awake younger boy and someone just behind them who was so small he could only see the very top of his bright red hair.

Seonghwa pushed his fingers through his own brown hair wondering how ridiculous the colour would look on him. The honey brown he currently has was an act of defiance when he moved to the city. Hed admit he panicked at first when he saw the lighter colour and how it stood out against his tanned skin and dark thick eyebrows. He thought for sure his father would find out but a month came and went and the colour started growing out and he was fine. Wooyoung helps him touch it up from time to time.

The loud boys quieted when they got their drinks and found a table across the room from where Seonghwa sat and that’s when he finally saw the smallest one.

Not only was his hair bright red, so were his eyebrows. He was dressed in a paint-splattered T-shirt and some cut off sweatpants. He had kicked off his slippers under the table and pulled his heels up on the chair to sit comfortably as he drank his beverage and laughed at something one of the others said.

He was… beautiful.

His eyes were large and sparkly, his nose was a dainty little thing at the center of his face and his smile was just… just so…

Seonghwa didn’t have words.

His heart skipped a beat and he felt his face flush red.

What was wrong with him. This was a boy. A boy he didn’t even know. A boy.

Seonghwa stood abruptly dragging his chair out and alerting everyone to his strange behavior. He cleaned the table with napkins and scuttled to the door not looking back even when he heard a voice call to him.

“hey wait!” the person shouted but Seonghwa ducked his head and walked faster.

“hey… Seonghwa” the person called and he stopped. They knew his name.

Seonghwa turned to see the redhead running behind him slowing to a jog as he got closer.

“you’re quick” he huffs wiping the little sweat that gathered on his hairline from the short run. “you dropped this” he held out a tiny hand holding Seonghwa’s wallet. His ID card pulled a little way out.

Seonghwa could see clear over the boy’s head, he was so small. This close his sparkling eyes were enchanting.

“uh, thanks,” he said taking the wallet, careful not to let their hands touch.

“I’m Honjoong,” the boy blurted after a moment “I know this is weird but my friends and I just moved a few blocks down that way” he gestured over his shoulder “we’re sort of new to this side of town, would you maybe be interested in hanging out with us?”

Seonghwa’s brain was slow to keep up. He tried to focus on the movements of Hongjoon’s lips but even they were distracting. His voice was melodious yet his tone was direct.

“I… yeah… yeah sure, I don’t mind as long as I can bring friends” Seonghwa agreed. He won’t go more than a few blocks away from the apartment without one of his roommates. It’s a bit of a dependency thing that they all seem to share.

“yeah of course. The more the merrier” Hongjoong laughed and Seonghwa’s belly swooped. Fuck

“here give me your number” he pulled out a phone in a brightly cloured case and gave it to Seonghwa to put his information in then took it back reading the name aloud “Seonghwa… “ his name on Hongjoong’s lips did things to him.

“I’ll call you soon” he says as he walks away and Seonghwa’s heart is still racing. Pounding in his chest and threatening to spill out his mouth as he watches the boy stroll away from him.

“Hongjoong” he whispers and turns to walk home.

“How did you know you were gay?” Seonghwa asks one day as Yeosang lay next to him on the living room floor.

They were doing Yoga but only made it to the third pose before they both gave up and cracked a bottle of wine. 

“well, I don’t think I am” Yeosang says. His eyes are closed so he couldn’t see Seonghwa’s confused expression but he continues anyway.

“The only guy I’ve ever been with is Wooyoung… we were friends and it just sort of grew from there. I’m not attracted to him because he’s a boy, I’m attracted to him because I love him” Yeosang finally opens his eyes and turns to Seonghwa “makes sense?”

Seonghwa nods although he’s still confused. He can tell that Yeosang just gave him some sort of philosophical jargon that means something but Seonghwa, unfortunately, didn’t know what that was. He never considered that there could be more than just gay or straight. As far as he knew, if you were a man sleeping with men that made you gay. But Mingi sort of played on both teams which was weird but he didn’t have sex with men. His head hurt.

“you look Ill” Yeosang chuckled and Seonghwa shrugged “something on your mind?” he asked taking a sip of wine.

Yeosang was a year younger than Seonghwa but he seemed so wise sometimes. Seonghwa was the eldest of his friends, he cooked he cleaned he offered what he could but Yeosang was who you went to for advice.

“I just wanted to know… like.. what if I don’t like girls touching me because I like guys?”

“you barely tolerate guys touching you either though” Yeosnag pointed out and Seonghwa sighed. This was a mistake, he’s more confused than ever now.

“Is there something you need to talk about?” Yeosang pushed himself to slip up with his back against the couch and Seonghwa followed

“I met a guy earlier. He said he wants to hang out and, I don’t know… my chest felt weird like I used to feel with my girlfriend… but I’m not... I don’t like...” Seonghwa stutters trying to find the most nonoffensive way to say he’s not gay.

Yeosang only hummed.

“I just… I don’t mind hanging out with him, it’s just confusing you know? And he’s… god you should see him, he’s adorable” Seonghwa sighs almost dreamily and Yeosang smiles at him.

“I know it can be hard to forget everything you learned about homosexuality, since you grew up religious and all but you’ll realize there are some things you just can’t help” Yeosnag says sagely as he pats Seonghwa on the arm.

Seonghwa doesn’t know what to make of that but he prefers to no longer have the confusing conversation. His head already feels fuzzy just thinking about it.

Hongjoon finally asks to hang out on Friday night.

He meets Yunho and San, the other boy Jungho would be there later and Seonghwa introduces his own friends.

Hongjoong is dressed in a bright pink shirt and blue jeans, he has a dozen dangly chains hanging from his ears and neck. He’s wearing chunky sole boots but it does nothing for his height. He stays with Seonghwa in the booth they claimed while the rest of them go to the dance floor.

“So what brings you to this side of town?” Seonghwa asks. The few bottles of Soju in his system is making him braver.

“I’m an artist and the city has all the business”Hongjoong answeres simply “What about you, you said you’ve only been here a month right?”

“Yeah, I start a teaching job in September, thought id just get the move out of the way early”

Conversation flows easily and soon Seonghwa knows so much about Hongjoong he could write a book and he doesn’t get bored of hearing him speak. His voice is musical and his smile is beautiful and when he reaches out to touch Seonghwa’s chest while he laughs at a joke Seonghwa only feels warmth, no buzzing no panic just warmth.

Seonghwa texts Hongjoong every day after that.

Mingi has someone over. Its late, Wooyoung and Yeosang are out with San and Mingi has a girl in his room.

The sounds of them together are filling the air of the otherwise quiet apartment. Mingi’s grunts, the girl’s groans, skin slapping skin, heavy panting.

Seonghwa plugs his headset into his laptop and settles against his headboard. His fingers hover over the keys.

He’s watched porn before, his girlfriend wanted to do it together. The video they got was sloppy and loud and messy and Seongwha didn’t care too much for it but his girlfriend enjoyed it so sometimes they watched porn while they fucked. He hadn’t watched porn since, but he’d admit that Mingi’s activities were making him a little hot under the collar.

Wooyoung and Yeosang’s room was further down the hall and Wooyoung was loud generally but he’d never heard them having sex.

He was curious and that’s why he typed ‘gay porn’ into the search bar glossing over the results that popped up. One of them caught his eye and he clicked on it and waited for it to load.

It started with them kissing, slow and passionate, smiling as if they were enjoying it. their hands began to wander and the kiss became more heated more desperate as they ground into each other releasing soft moans and sharp inhales.

Seonghwa felt his dick twitch and unconsciously moved his hand down to rub it.

The men had moved on to sucking each other off now and Seonghwa couldn’t help but be fascinated. His mouth watered at the sight. He put the laptop down next to him and wiggled out of his shorts to pull his dick out. The head was already beading with precum. He rubbed experimentally even as the men on his screen began to fuck each other. Seonghwa’s hand moved faster on his own dick and he felt his breath stutter as he thrust into his hand.

“Shit” he hissed as he felt heat tighten in his stomach. He could still hear Mingi in the other room, his low growls added to the pleasure in his ears and before Seonghwa knew it he was cumming all over himself and his sheets.

He panted heavily ripping his headset off his ears and shutting down the laptop. His cum covered hands shook as he tried to get his sheets off his bed. His stomach rolled and cramped. Seonghwa bundled up his sheets and tossed them into the hamper he went to the bathroom to wash up. He felt sick. His chest was tightening and his head swam.

What had he done?

What was wrong with him?

How could he do something so disgusting?

He scrubbed hard at his skin trying to wash away the memory of what he’d just done. His father would be so disappointed. And Mingi, what if Mingi knew he’d been listening and touching himself in the other room.

A sob ripped out of his throat and Seonghwa couldn’t stop his tears now. he cried till he made himself sick under the spray of the shower. He could hear someone pounding on the door but he didn’t answer. His vision blinked in and out till he couldn’t hold himself up anymore and he sank to the floor of the bathroom with his head back against the wall.

His head pounded as his vision swirled and went dark at the edges. Water poured over his face filling his mouth and nose as he gasped and cried but couldn’t make himself move.

He felt shame to his bones 

He watched gay porn and he liked it, a final hiccupping sob rose from his throat then everything went black.

  
  
  
  
  


Seonghwa shoved his phone back into his pocket not bothering to answer the message from Hongjoong as he pushed his trolley through the grocery.

Yeosang had been on his case for the better part of a week trying to figure out what caused a panic attack so severe. He even scolded Mingi for having sex a room over when he knew how uncomfortable Seonghwa was with it. He felt bad for Mingi but if he corrected them he’d have to explain, and that was the last thing he wanted to do.

Every time his mind went back to that night he felt sick all over again.

It was Friday night again and this time everyone agreed to go to a pizza place rather than the usual club. Seonghwa opted not to go.

He’s glad they all got so close so quickly but he wasn’t ready to face them when he felt like this, he especially wasn’t ready to see Hongjoong when he felt this way about him.

Seonghwa paid for the few groceries he made and went back to the empty apartment. He suddenly wished he’d gone out.

The silence was deafening and sent a high pitched ringing through his ears. He turned on the TV to drown it out but even the mindless cartoon did nothing for him. He eventually opened a bottle of wine hoping to dull his senses enough to finally fall asleep. It was still early but there wasn’t anything better to do.

A bottle and a half in Seonghwa heard someone knocking on the front door.

He got up peered through the peephole and sighed heavily when he saw the bright cherry hair just under his line of sight.

“Seonghwa, I know you’re there… can we talk?” Hongjoong pleaded and it broke Seonghwa’s heart to hear him sound like that so he opened the door and got an arm full of Hongjoong.

He smelt like breadsticks and paint fumes

“Hi” he whispered holding tighter to Seonghwa’s neck

“H-hi” Seonghwa stuttered tightening his own arms

“Did I do something wrong? Yeosang said you weren’t well but I thought you were just avoiding me” Hongjoong says in one breath and Seonghwa feels guilty for avoiding his new friend

What was happening to Seonghwa wasn’t his fault. He shouldn’t suffer for it

“You skipped pizza for me?” Seonghwa laughed

“I did, and Yeosang ordered wings, you better have something better here for me Park Seonghwa” Hongjoong pushed past him and took off his shoes at the door before tugging him along to the couch.

“Are you okay… really?” Hongjoong asked as Seonghwa got up to find glasses for the wine. If he had guests now he couldn’t just drink from the bottle.

“I was a bit under the weather a few days ago, but I’m getting over it,” Seonghwa says truthfully “Do you want to order take out, or do you want snacks?”

“Lets order chicken,” Hongoong says pulling his feet up under him. He’s wearing bright blue overalls folded more than a few times at the hem to accommodate his short legs and a bright yellow t-shirt.

The colours shouldn’t work with his hair but its Hongjoong

They order the chicken and watch movies and Seonghwa remembers how simple everything is with Hongjoong. How happy he makes him, how well they get along. 

How could he have ever stayed away so long? Hongjoong was made for him. But Hongjoong was a boy. Still when Seonghwa settled to lay behind him on the couch and Hongjoong shuffled down to press into his side… and even when he heard Hongjoong’s breaths even out as he fell asleep wrapped in his arms Seonghwa could only think of how perfect it was.

  
  
  
  
  


Seonghwa started hanging out with them again opting to just not think about it. He just won’t hink about how the feelings confused him, how Hongjoong’s smile made him feel how Yeosang had a knowing but not judgmental look on his face, he just didn’t think about it.

His father still sent him bible texts every day and his mother asked him once if he’d found a girlfriend. He responded to them both and ignored the way his stomach turned.

Yunho and Mingi became sort of a package deal for everything, Jungho seemed to always have some kind of assignment that he needed Seonghwa’s help with and San became a third in Yeosang and Wooyoung’s relationship. Yet another thing Seonghwa was never exposed too. Polyamory, as he found out it was called. He didn’t think adding a third person to a relationship could be anything but trouble.

Jungho was still in college, a year or two younger than the others and still very sweet and a bit innocent. He hung out with Seonghwa a lot mostly to get work done but also because Seonghwa was quite unlike the rest of them.

It was one evening while they were going over some work that Junngho asked “how come you and Joongie arent a couple yet”

He asked with all his childlike puzzlement unaware of the way he sent Seonghwa’s head spinning

“Well because I’m not gay” Seonghwa says and Jungho raises a brow at him

“Well does Joongie know that, because I think he likes you”

Seonghwa could feel his chest tightening as he stared at the boy.

Hongjoong likes him?

Jungho didn’t know what he was saying. He couldn’t know. The boy was a virgin college kid, he never looked for girls at the clubs or even mentioned one in all Seonghwa’s months of knowing him, how could he know what Hongjoong wants.

“I think you’re mistaken” Seonghwa says softly but Jungho shakes his head not taking a hint “no he told us. He’s waiting for you, that why I asked” he continues

Seonghwa can’t breathe. It was one thing to have a one-sided misguided crush on a boy but to have the feelings reciprocated. What was that bible verse his father had sent him about two wrongs and a right?

His head is swimming, his ears are ringing. His panic attacks had never been so bad. He stressed and confused and Hongjoong likes him and he likes Hongjoong but they are both men, they couldn’t. They can’t.

Seonghwa hears someone calling his name and his head is cradled on something soft. Someone is running a soothing hand through his hair. He peaks up and its San. San is touching him and his skin crawls. San is a flamboyant gay. The type his father would sneer at if he ever saw him on the streets. He had silvery purple hair and dressed in tight revealing clothes and he had infiltrated Wooyoung and Yeosangs sacred relationship and now he was touching him.

Seonghwa pushed out of his lap with a cry, slapping his hands when he reached out to him.

“No!” he screams and he can see the hurt flash on San’s face before Wooyoung comes into view.

“Swonghwa? It’s just me… it’s us, I won’t touch you but you need to calm down okay?” 

“What happened?” Mingi’s voice asks from somewhere in the room 

“We were just talking about Hongjoong. I told him Joongi liked him and he freaked out” Joungho sounds guilty but Seonghwa can’t even comfort him.

His face is buried in his knees and his arms are wrapped tightly around himself.

He’s not gay

He isn’t gay

He can’t be gay

Then why does he feel this way? Why does Hongjoong make him feel like this?

  
  
  
  
  


Yeosang doesn’t stay quiet this time, even if it took him a few days to actually call Seonghwa out.

“You’re struggling with this arent you?” he asks

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” Seonghwa dismissed

“Don’t do this, Seonghwa, you’re hurting yourself, you’re hurting Hongjoong, you need to tell him if you can’t do this”

“You don’t know what you’re saying” Seonghwa’s voice sounds dead even to his own ears.

“I do know… I didn’t think I would like a guy either Seonghwa, and now I have Wooyoung and we have San”

Seonghwa shivers at the name.

“I know it’s hard but you have to admit it to yourself first. You want Hongjoong, you aren’t comfortable because of your upbringing but you want him”

“Leave me alone Yeosang” Seonghwa whispers. He can already feel the burn of tears at the backs of his eyes. He doesn’t want to hurt anyone. He should apologize to San, Hongjoong, Junghobut then he’ll have to explain and he can’t.

“I’ll go. But please. Don’t hurt yourself anymore” 

  
  
  
  


Seonghwa laid on Hongjoong’s bed as the small man pained a canvas on the other side of the room.

Hongjoong had been begging Seonghwa to let him use him as a muse for weeks now and he’d finally agreed.

Hongjoong promised his face wouldn’t be in it and he only needed to lay still for a while to geet the outline done.

It was a quiet Wednesday. Everyone else was at work or school which left the only two of them who didn’t really have a daily schedule. It was nice to have company during the week. Sometimes he has Yeosang but usually, Yeosang gets his off days on the weekend and some days he had Jonho but he’s been avoiding Seonghwa since the breakdown.

“Ugh, my arms are sore” Hongjoong complains rubbing his shoulder.

He drops his paintbrush into the bucket of water at his side then pulls off his apron then rolls his shoulders again.

“Want me too uh…” Seonghwa sat up and pat the place in front of him for Hongjoong to sit.

“Are you sure?” he asks

Seonghwa was fairly sure Hongjoong hadn’t been there that evening but he must have heard from someone about what happened because he had been making every effort to be as platonic as possible, even questioning little gestures and touches he used to do with such ease before.

Seonghwa hated it, but he understood.

Seonghwa nodded and Hongjoong made himself comfortable in the small space between his legs. He gently took his shoulders and began to massage his arms and back working out the knots that had formed there. Hongjoong settled sighing softly as he rested his head against Seonghwa’s chest.

“This okay?” Hongjoong asked

“Yeah” 

Hongjoong fits so perfectly here against his chest. His small shoulders fit snugly in his arms. Seonghwa suddenly wanted to touch him everywhere. He wanted to glide his hands down his chest and hold his tiny waist, he wanted to feel him squirm when he kissed the soft skin behind his ear.

Seonghwa leaned forward and nosed at Hongjoong’s nape

“What re you doin’?” he slurred lax from Seonghwa’s ministrations

Seonghwa didn’t answer as he tested Hongjoong’s skin against his lips.

Hongjoong turned in his arms still sitting comfortably between Seonghwa’s legs and it feels so right. His pink lips looked so inviting, Seonghwa longed to taste, he’s always longed to taste so he leans forward and captured Hongjoong’s lips. Hongjoong sighs into him scooting forward to straddle Seonghwa’s tighs. He ran his fingers through Seonghwa’s thick hair and pulled him in closer deepening the kiss sliding his tongue against the seam of Seonghwa’s lips and taking complete control. The slow kiss turned into impatient hands tugging at Seonghwa’s tshirt and before he knew anything at all they were both in their underwear grinding desperately into each other.

He starts kissing along Seonghwa’s jaw and down his neck and chest latching onto one dusky nipple to lick and suck while his hand plays with the other. 

Seonghwa is usually a quiet person, but it seems, in the bedroom, Hongjoong knows just how to work him.

A groan tears from his throat as Hongjoong leaves his nipples kissing down his flat stomach till he reaches the waistband of his underwear

“Joongie,” Seonghwa breathed

“Shh, I’ve got you.” Hongjoong pulls them all the way down and takes Seonghwa’s hard and leaking dick in his hand, giving it a few strokes to tease him.

Hongjoong’s face is resting on Seonghwa’s thigh as he holds his dick up, his tiny hand bearly getting around it “are you sure?” 

“ Please…” Seonghwa gasps out.

Hongjoong licks up Seonghwa’s dick before opening wide and engulfing him all the way down. Seonghwa doesn’t seem to be able to hold back his moans, letting them fill the room as Hongjoong’s warm mouth works his dick.

He can’t remember ever being so hard. He can’t remember ever feeling like this. Hongjoong may be trying to suck his soul out through his dick and he wouldn’t stop him even if he thought he could.

His mind is swimming and he bearly hears the pop and click of a bottle cap before feeling Hongjoong’s throat vibrate against him as he moans.

Seonghwa peeps up to see Hongjoon’s fingers working himself open and it’s the single most fascinating thing Seonghwa has ever seen.

“feel good so good Joongie” Seonghwa hears himself moan but it feels like his brain is split from his body

Hongjoong comes up for air on a loud lude pop

“Are you sure this is okay?” he asks and Seonghwa feels part of him scream no but he can’t imagine why this would be wrong, he can’t imagine how this could not be okay

“I want you Joongie” his voice cracks, it feels like he’s spilling his deepest darkest secret

He wants Hongjoong

He wants him

Hongjoong crawls up to Seonghwa’s lap straddling his hips and holding his dick steady as he slides down. Seonghwa has to resist the urge to thrust into him. Hongjoong’s high pitched moans fill the room as he swivels his hips. He leans forward to capture Seonghwa’s mouth is a sloppy kiss before tossing his head back and Seonghwa can’t take any more.

He flips them over and raises Hongjoong’s legs a nd then Seonghwa starts to thrust hard, hips angling to hit Hongjoon’s prostate. He feels so good around him. Seonghwa presses Hongjoong’s legs higher pushing him further into the bed.

Hongjoong is all but sobbing his name, his moans become loud, desperate, and he swivels his hips longing for some friction against his aching dick. Seonghwa makes the mistake of looking down at where their bodies meet and he sees his long hard dick disappearing into Hongjoong’s ass “fuck, look how well you take me” he grunts letting out a long moan.

“Please... Please fuck me Hwa, fuck me harder” Hongjoon pleads breathlessly

Seonghwa starts to thrust even faster harder, slamming into Hongjoong over and over till without warning, the tight heat in his gut snaps and washes over him, spreading to the tips of his fingers that are still tight around Hongjoon’s waist and washes to his toes. He growls and reaches forward to stoke Hongjoong’s dick and Hongjoong is blubbering crying out and thrusting into his palm as he chases his own orgasm and cums into Seonghwa’s hand on a loud cry.

Seonghwa freezes.

Hongjoong must feel him stiffen above him because his face that was twisted in pleasure a moment ago is now twisted in confusion

“Seonghwa?” he reaches up to put his hand on his face and Seonghwa pushes his hand away then eases out of him.

“Can I shower… please” Seonghwa asks softly and Hongjoon gets him a towel and shows him the bathroom.

He shouldn’t have done that. He has no idea what came over him

It felt so right

It felt so good

It was everything he could ever dream of and more.

Hongjoong was beautiful and smart and funny and so perfect for him. He fit so perfect and Seonghwa loved him. 

Why did he have to be a boy?

  
  
  
  
  
  


Seonghwa doesn’t leave his room for days.

He doesn’t answer phone calls or texts, he doesn’t answer the door when they knock. He comes out to use the shower when he knows everyone is gone.

He can only think of how disgusting he is, how much he hurt Hongjoong, how his father will react if he finds out.

He loves Hongjoong, he won’t deny that after what they shared, but he can’t live like this. He can’t love a boy.

It takes a few days for him to build up the courage to do it but he eventually calls his mother.

“Hwa? Baby, are you there?”

Seonghwa hangs up. He doesn’t think he can speak anyway, his voice is gone from crying his stomach is in knots and he feels feverish and sick.

He just wanted to hear her voice.

He calls his father next. He just needed that reminder of why… just why this was so wrong and why he had to do this.

Why something so real and pure was viewed as evil.

“Son?” his father answers “Seonghwa are you there?” his father’s gruff voice says 

Seonghwa drops the phone.

The only thing he could use as rope was his sheets. There also weren’t many things tall enough for him to hang himself from but he wiggled a few ceiling tiles out and attached the blanket to the now exposed beams. He wasn’t hesitant. This had to be done. There was no going back, he couldn’t even ask forgiveness because he didn’t regret being with Hongjoong and that’s the problem. To ask forgiveness you need regret.

And he will never regret Hongjoong.

Seonghwa only regrets that he can’t control his feelings for a boy.

He places the makeshift noose around his neck and jumps.

Mingi and Yunho have a pretty decent gig going.

Not many girls can resist either of them separately, almost none can resist the idea of both of them together. And so almost every weekend they both have a new girl between them. they never have sex with each other but some girls are fascinated enough by them making out to get off on her own.

It’s one of those nights for them.

Seonghwa had been locked in his room for just over a week now and they’re all worried and Mingi feels guilty that this is the only way he really knows how to deal with his feelings but it is, so he brings a girl home.

Yunho is between her legs as she pants and moans their names digging her long nails into his pale back. He can only imagine what girls feel when Yunho has his meaty fingers between their thighs.

“You like that?” Mingi whispers against the side of her face. She nods because they gagged her. He doesn’t want to risk a repeat with Seonghwa so he gags his dates now and it works out in everyone’s favour.

She moans again and he hears Yunho chuckle from between her legs. God, it was so fucking hot to watch him work. Yunho knows what he’s doing and one-day Mingi will convince him to suck his dick but one thing at a time.

“where do you want us baby” Mingi pulled down the gag to hear her answer and it’s just what he suspected. She wants to see them.

Mingi smirks and grabs Yunho by the hair angling his neck so he could reach his lips.

Yunho’s fingers don’t falter between the girl’s legs as she watches the two of them kiss slowly nipping at each other’s lips and neck. She cums on Yunho’s fingers then he fucks her while she sucks Mingi’s dick. It’s a great way to end the night.

After letting the girl -who’s name neither of them bothered to learn- out Mingi and Yunho went to the kitchen

“Soju or beer?” Mingi asks

“is that even a question?” Yunho rolls his eyes and takes the Soju. He points to Seonghwas door in question and Mingi shakes his head. Its been like that, everyone afraid to voice their questions. Hongjoong has been blaming himself. He says he knows Seonghwa wasn’t ready but he did it anyway.

Mingi gets it. his parents didn’t like the fact that he kissed boys either, and he wasn’t even fucking them, he could only imagine how Seonghwa feels to belive he was straight his whole life then couldn’t stand the feeling of someone else’s touch to falling for the very thing he shouldn’t fall for. It must hurt.

Mingi sighs and takes a long swig from his bottle. A creaking noise is coming from Seonghwa’s room and Yunho looks at him in confusion. Mingi shrugs.

San walks into the apartment with boxes of pizza and chicken a few minutes after.

“hey,” he says hugging both Mingi and Yunho

“Hi”

“hey” they call back

San rarely comes over anymore. Wooyoung and Yeosang went to him more than he came to them after the whole thing with Seonghwa.

Mingi thinks Seonghwa’s reaction must have made him uncomfortable because when San comes over he no longer wears his tight high waist jeans or his fitted t-shirts. He mostly wore shorts that came to his knees and a hoodie if he could get away with it in this weather sometimes a hat over his colourful hair.

Mingi feels bad that everyone around them seems to be hurting and hiding in some way.

The creaking noise sounds again. This time with a soft thud.

“that doesn’t sound good,” San says but stops when he realises the sound is coming from Seonghwa’s room.

“I’ll check,” Yunho says and puts down his bottle.

“Seonghwa” he calls. No answer. “Hwa, you there?”

Nothing.

Not a grunt or sniffle, nothing.

“Hey, is everyone here?” Yeosang walks in with an armload of groceries and Wooyoung walks straight to San to kiss his face.

The three of them seem happy with the new arrangement and San enjoys the extra attention. Mingi thinks they’re all cute

“Jongho and Hoongjoong aren’t here yet,” Mingi says

“what going on?” Wooyoung asks pointing at where Yunho was wiggling the lock on Seonghwa’s door

“We heard something, but he won’t answer,” Mingi says.

Yeosang drops the last of his groceries and shoulders Yunho aside to pound on the door.

“Seonghwa, it’s me, open up” Yeosang knocks again “Seonghwa…”

“Hey” Mingi turns to see Hongjoong and Jungho walk in carrying their own bags.

Hongjoong looked over to where Yeosang was franticly pounding on Seonghwa’s door and sent Mingi a questioning glance

Mingi shrugs

“Jungho, brake the door down,” Yeosang says

“What?”

“Brake the door down. Quick” he repeats “something’s wrong”

Jungho rears back his leg and kicks the doornod sending the door splintering.

Yeosang gasps and it doesn’t sound good.

“Get a scissors, a knife something… please... quick” he shouts and Mingi is closest to the knife rack so he pulls one out and runs over to see Yeosang struggling to keep Seonghwa’s limp body from pulling the bedsheet around his neck tight.

“fuck” he whispers and he sees Hongjoong fall to his knees but he has no time. He runs into the room and instantly begins sawing at the sheet.

Seonghwa’s body falls over and Yeosang goes down with him. Hongjoong crawls closer and pries the knot from around his neck.

Seonghwa’s face is pale his lips are blue and it doesn’t look like he’s breathing.

“call an ambulance… someone call an ambulance” Yeosang shouts. Hongjoong is hysterical mumbling to Seonghwa’s unresponsive body and patting his face. Yeosang checks. Seonghwa doesn’t have a heartbeat.

Seonghwa feels cold all over. His fingertips feel tingly and his throat fucking hurts. Someone is touching him and he squirms in discomfort. The heat of their palm doesn’t leave and Seonghwa feels his already tight chest tighten some more. There’s beeping beside his head, someone is shouting and more people are touching him

He wants them to stop

They need to stop touching him. He wants to scream at them, he wants to push them away... then everything falls away again and the darkness claims him.

When Seonghwa wakes up again, he’s alone.

His throat still hurts and he reaches up to feel something taped to his face. He tries to call out but it hurts.

“Seonghwa?... Seonghwa calm down you’re okay”

Hongjoong’s voice.

Does that mean it worked? Is he dead? He can’t be dead if he’s in this much pain

He opens his eyes and he’s right. Hongjoong is standing over him. His little face screwed up in worry and Seonghwa’s heart stutters he hears it reflected in the beeping at the side of his head.

He can’t make a sound but he reaches a tired limb toward Hongjoong. He smiles and takes Seonghwa’s hand

He’s still here. He’s still alive. It must be a sign

It’s true what they say about realising that your problem is fixable in the last few moments when you try to commit suicide.

Maybe not all problems but this...

This with Hongjoong feels right

It feels real

His final thoughts were of Hongjoon and now he gets to see his face again.

If death didn’t take him away why should he allow mortal assumptions of right and wrong stop him from loving who he loves?

Seonghwa pulls Hongjoong’s hand to his chest over his heart. He can’t move his mouth. He must have a tube, but he wants so desperately to tell him. He needs him to understand.

And Hongjoong does. As he always does he understands Seonghwa clearly and Whispers

“I love you too”


	2. Chapter 2

Hello humans. 

A few of you have been asking about the other chapters of this fic and my Dom series. 

I took them down To rewrite and I hope to have them back up in a few weeks. 

Sorry for the inconvenience. 

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/MinYun7126)   
>  [cc](https://curiouscat.me/MinYun7126)


End file.
